Question: Marc Melchert, the word «shame» has come up several times in our conversations. What exactly is shame and how does it develop in children?

Melchert: Shaming occurs when a child is criticised in such a way that they perceive it as criticism of themselves rather than of their actions.
I think there is a good analogy in football: when you play against the man and not the ball. You run a high risk of injuring your opponent and been taken out of the game. But if you play against the ball, you may lose possession and the other team may score a goal, but nobody gets hurt and the game goes on.

Question: Is shame really so negative?

Melchert: Shame is actually a healthy emotion; it reminds us that we live in a community and should respect boundaries. On the other hand, I feel ashamed when I start to doubt my value to the community. Another example from football: if I slip, twist my ankle or injure myself in some other way without any influence from an opponent, it may be very painful, but it remains pain. It’s different when an opponent injures me with a ‹blood tackle›. That hurts my body and my dignity, because he kicked me and not the ball, and that’s when it stops being a game.

Question: How should parents behave towards their children so as not to embarrass them?

Melchert: They can criticise children in a constructive way, with the aim of helping them to improve. This would be an improvement because it presupposes that they believe in the child and want to help him or her. If parents criticise the child as a person instead of the action or project, the child loses a part of his personality and dignity. The child becomes the parent’s project instead of the parent working with the child on a joint project. When parents work critically with their child on a joint project, the child feels like a valuable partner. The child learns to persevere in the face of difficulties and develops resilience to problems that arise. The message to the child is: «I will help you work on this difficult project! If the child is repeatedly criticised and questioned as a person, this can lead over time to the child developing a self-esteem disorder. They lose confidence in themselves and the ability to value themselves.

Question: What is the link between self-esteem and attachment disorders?

Melchert: The starting point is a feeling of inferiority. A person who grows up with the feeling that they are a project of their parents and not their own person loses the ability to relate to other people. Relationships then always become utilitarian. If parents themselves have self-image problems and are unsure of their own worth, they need their child’s achievements and success to improve their own self-esteem. So if the child does not succeed, it becomes the parent’s failure because the child is supposed to compensate for the parent’s self-esteem problems. In this way, self-esteem problems become relationship problems that are passed on from parents to children.
So, dear parents, look at your child’s project together. And if the project is still unfinished and flawed, question the project. Be careful not to question the child or, even worse, yourself as a parent.

Question: What can and should parents expect of their children?

Melchert: Anything that helps the child find motivation within themselves. You can ask a lot, but always in relation to the project.

Question: We also discussed the question of what parents can and should do if their child has problems with a teacher.

Melchert: If parents immediately take the child’s side, the child will not be able to develop self-worth and self-esteem, because they are essentially being objectified. They are not treated as a person with a problem, but as a victim who needs to be saved.

Question: So you mean that the child is the parent’s weapon in the conflict with the teacher?

Melchert: No, the opposite is true: the parents are the weapon of the child. There is a kind of symbiotic relationship where the parents pull the child out of the fire. It’s about saving the honour of the child, the parents and the family. If the teacher shames or devalues the child’s personality, the parents have to help the child. But if the child performs badly and the teacher only criticises the bad performance and then the parents protect the child, then they are actually equating the bad performance with the child. They are telling the child that if their project is bad, then they are bad. We will help you. You are bad, but we will protect you.
Parents must always be in the middle between teacher and pupil, ideally in the middle. And they can let the child know that they will help him or her put up with an unpleasant teacher. It may not be possible to change schools. You tell the child: We will support you through this difficult time. You can do it and we will help you. This gives the child a sense of worth because he or she is going through something, which in turn builds resilience. Parents help; they do not solve the problem.
Parents should calmly demand that their children be able to endure something unpleasant from time to time. In other words, to persevere and not give up. This is what we call perseverance.
The distinction between child and projects is crucial. If there is no distinction between the child and the project, the bond will be broken in the long run. This is because no bond is formed between subjects, for example father and son. In other words, the father sees the child as a project, not as a person.

Question: There is a child who has reached Year 11 and now decides that he doesn’t want to do it anymore, he doesn’t want to do his A-levels. They want to do an apprenticeship, they want to be a carpenter. The child may have struggled at school, may even have been held back a year.

Melchert: I would say the following: Carpentry is a wonderful profession. I can’t do it, but I can understand why you’re enthusiastic about it. What worries me is that you’re giving up so close to your goal. The young man is afraid that if he passes his A-levels he won’t be able to become a carpenter and will have to give up his identity. I would say to him: ‹If you pass your A-levels, you can become a carpenter. A carpenter with A-levels has much better opportunities. You can go to art school later if you want to. But if I create a polarity, like carpenter versus A-levels, he will not find any motivation to pass his A-levels. He will have to defy his parents in order to save his own identity.
But again, when I realise that he doesn’t have to fulfil my goals, I talk to him about his project, his desire to do something manual. I value and respect his project. I tell him what I think, but I also tell him that craftsmanship and A-levels are not mutually exclusive; both are possible.

Question: At what point do parents decide which project is right? For example, it is usually the parents who decide that their child should go to a higher school. Basically, the child is moving from a phase of external determination to a phase of self-determination. So how do I explain to the child that I actually want them to continue on the path that their parents chose for them many years ago?

Melchert: For me, the most important thing is to tell the child that I don’t think their project (e.g. leaving school a year before the Abitur to start an apprenticeship as a carpenter) is a good idea. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love them as my child, regardless of what I think of their project. As your mother/father, with many years of life experience, I recommend that you invest another year in the project you have been working on for so long (namely your A-levels) and then start a new project of your own. However, I am not giving you this advice because we necessarily want to have an academic in the family. I am adding my experience to your project and want to help you succeed. Unless your project is to take drugs and live under a bridge. I cannot support you in that because I love you too much.

Question: Can shame also come from the child feeling that his parents think his project is worthless?

Melchert: NO! Shame comes from the child being signalled that he is worthless as a person because he is pursuing the wrong project. If the parents say, ‹We think your project is wrong, but you’re OK›, then the child will gain resilience and learn to stand up for what they believe in. If a teenager goes against his parents› wishes and drops out of school to become a carpenter, he may not have a high school diploma, but he has gained strength of character. If they have to give up carpentry and then fail their high school exams because of inner resistance, they have lost both.