A selfie can be taken quickly,
Self-esteem takes more time.
A fictional roundtable discussion with guests: a Zen master, an Indian guru, a psychotherapist and a neuropsychologist discuss how self-image and self-esteem are created.
The self is experienced in the context of people, space and events. It is in this context that self-image and self-awareness are formed. Self-esteem develops over time and is shaped by the quality of relationships. It has to be learned and practised.
selfie and social media enable a view from the outside.
Relationships and shared attention enable an inner experience.Marc Melchert
Most relationships seem so transitory
They’re all good but not the permanent one
Who doesn’t long for someone to hold
Who knows how to love you without being toldNatasha Bedingfield: „Soulmate“.
HOST: I would like to welcome our audience to this evening’s event. Our speakers are «Yoda 2.0», «Ramana» and «Therapist». Our guest speaker is an expert in neuropsychology. For the title on the invitation, we were inspired by Marcel Proust. His main work is called «In Search of Lost Time», which became «In Search of Lost Context». Both titles fit the theme. Today we are talking about the relationship we have with our context, how this relationship develops over time and how the quality of this relationship emerges. When we consciously experience our relationship with our context, we get a picture of ourselves! If this conscious experience continues, selfesteem emerges. As we will see, this is an important aspect when dealing with children: The foundations are laid early!
Self-image, selfesteem, relationship quality, context: what do these words mean? I very much hope that our speakers will help us to understand this better.
THERAPEUT: You’re right, there is a need for clarification. In our dialogue, we want to bring these words to life together and make them understandable.
When we are together, we form a context together: a frame of reference, an environment, a context, a framework.
Host: You mean a network of relationships?
THERAPEUT: Yes, exactly. I would like to be more precise: The relationships in this network have characteristics and a temporal development. We have a unique relationship with our respective context at any given time. Depending on its composition, each context has its own dynamic and its own mood. We experience this space and this mood in our own individual way.
HOST: Let me summarise: Every network has its own quality, shaped by our individual relationships and by the passage of time.
THERAPEUT: This is how unique networks are created.
YODA: (interrupts)…… Mindfulness of the “I» in the current context …… the “I» in the here and now …… (squints his eyes and smiles contentedly) …… This is meditation ……
THERAPEUT: …. This creates an interaction between the “I» and the context. The consciously experienced relationship with the context creates a self-awareness = “I“ experience myself. When I take a photo of myself with a smartphone, a selfie is created, a picture of myself = “I» see a screen with a picture of myself.
GUEST: Isn’t that the same thing?
THERAPEUT: The technical device is a crutch for consciousness, a mental «cyborg» and the context is very limited: ME + device. I can take many selfies, which gives me a collection of pictures of myself, but it doesn’t give me any experience of myself, no self-experience.
YODA: The selfie remains an external process. The conscious experience of the self in relation to the current context is an inner experience ….
RAMANA: (interrupts) …. Certain parts of me …. We are rarely present with our full attention, so the question is always: Which part of me is currently connected to the context?
THERAPEUT: (reflects) Yes, that is important because it changes the quality of the relationship. (pause) Either way, we shape the context and the context shapes us, it’s an interaction. Take our salon, for example: on the one hand, I shape the mood in the room and on the other, this mood shapes my own experience. It depends on my personality how well I can engage with this interaction and how I experience it with my thoughts and emotions.
RAMANA: Hence the questions here too: Who in the room is saying this or that? Which part of this person in the room is saying this or that?
HOST: Let me summarise: We sit together and form a context, i.e. we have a frame of reference to each other, plus the relationship to the place and the topic we are talking about. Everyone has their own relationship to those present and also to the topic being discussed.
THERAPEUT: Yes, exactly! To the people and to the topic! Let’s go one step further. Because there is a place and a time, a duration, it becomes an event: the relationship to the people and to the thoughts is brought into a temporal sequence.
HOST: Because there are different relationships to the subject and the context, concepts and ideas are illuminated from different angles. This creates a multi-faceted picture that we can then take from the context into our everyday lives. A mental experience …. and also an emotional experience.
THERAPEUT: Thinking in connection with an experience is the best way to learn something new. (looks at the neuropsychologist)
NEUROPSYCHOLOGIST: (nods) Yes, that’s what neuropsychology says: when cognition, action and emotion come together, learning can take place optimally. Learning is an event: it is a subject-object relationship in one place and in one time.
YODA: (squints) Hmm, hmm, if THERAPEUT gets too complicated, talks too long and annoys us, then we can learn better…?
THERAPEUT: How right Yoda is!
(all laugh)
Learning is an event: It is a sublect-object-relationship
in a specific place and given course of time.Marc Melchert
HOST: We’re already in the middle of it! I hate to interrupt your fervour, but I’d like to continue with the introduction I started. We have decided to look at this topic from the perspective of early childhood development. I will now turn to this and would like to start with an impressive film clip. It is about the «Still Face Experiment». In this experiment, scientists investigated what happens when a small child is deprived of the attention and loving care that is essential for survival. The experiment shows that an unexpected loss of contact is disturbing and painful for a small child.
Now I show you the Film clip from YouTube: „Still Face Experiment“ von Dr. Edward Tronick:
Film clip: Ed Tronick, director of UMass Boston’s Infant-Parent Mental Health Program (UMass Boston) and Distinguished Professor of Psychology, discusses the cognitive abilities of infants to read and react to their social surroundings.
The video is an excerpt from Lovett Productions› HELPING BABIES FROM THE BENCH: USING THE SCIENCE OF EARLY CHILDHOOD IN COURT.
(© 2007 zero to three)
HOST: (half-voiced) I think of parents walking around with their child and a mobile phone in their hand. Sometimes they seem more attached to the phone than to the child.
YODA: (looking at host, narrowing eyes and whispering) Multi-tasking, little awareness.
THERAPEUT: (looking at host) Parents need to be on the phone sometimes, it just depends on whether they cut off contact with the child at that moment or include the child.
RAMANA: Everybody does it the best way that they can.
(General murmuring and commotion)
HOST: (to the group) The experiment in the film clip has shaken us up. I would like to come back to the main topic, Therapist, can you comment on the experiment?
THERAPEUT: I’ll start. We see the mother and child in a beautiful connection. They focus their joint attention on the same object, the object is experienced together. Attachment psychology calls this «shared attention». They are content and calm. They are embedded together in the context that they create together.
RAMANA: Through shared awareness, their I is secured in the Self.
THERAPEUT: And now an impressive thing happens: The experimenter asks the mother to stop responding to the child. She turns around, her face freezes, then she turns back to the child. She looks at the child but does not react. She breaks contact and the relationship with the child. The mother unexpectedly steps out of the shared context. She withdraws her attention from the child and becomes distant and emotionless. Her face resembles a lifeless still image («still face»). The change is unexpected and does not match the current mood.
The situation triggers separation anxiety in the child. There is a break in attention in the relationship.
YODA: The context is taken away from the child.
RAMANA: The parts of the “I» that are connected to the mother are suddenly without answer, without context.
THERAPEUT: The child no longer has a mirror, or rather the mirror no longer reflects, it is now a fogged up mirror or a blind mirror. The child is now trying by all means to regain the mother’s attention.
It points at things and stretches out its hands. The child becomes increasingly restless and fidgety, moves more, tenses up and becomes tense. He becomes hyperactive, impulsive and unfocused. After a while, the mother seems unable to bear it and turns her attention back to the child. Her gaze becomes warm and focused, she talks to the child. The child calms down very quickly.
The child desperately searches for the lost context.
(long pause and awkward silence)
RAMANA: Without context, the “I» steps out of the self.
HOST: (shaking his head) I hope I’m not the only one who doesn’t understand that sentence!
(after a pause adressed to the therapist)
At the end, Ed Tronick mentions “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly». I assume this is a reference to the classic Italo-Western by Sergio Leone with Klint Eastwood. Please explain what he means.
THERAPIST: Yes, I’m thinking of that film too. The researcher Ed Tronick is talking about the experiment. He takes the image of ‹the good, the bad and the ugly› and explains the three states as follows: The way you normally deal with children is the good. Sometimes a mistake happens (as in the experiment), which is temporarily the bad, and then returns to the good. When the wrong becomes permanent, it becomes ugly. The child no longer has the opportunity to return to the good.
A toxic context shapes the development.
(Pause and silence)
HOST: It seems that we are all affected. I want to pick up the thread slowly. (Turning to the therapist) A subtitle on our invitation reads: «Self-esteem takes time». May I ask what that means? It’s time to explain. Therapist, what do you mean by that from your point of view?
THERAPIST: Very well, but we still need some important information, in the sense of building blocks, to help us slowly get a sense of what it all means. Please show us the clip from Blue Jasmine with the two children.
HOST: (nods and turns to everyone) I’m going to show you a clip from the film Blue Jasmine by Woody Allen.
Film clip: Scene from «Blue Jasmine» by Woody Allen from 2013.
The scene shows Jasmine with her sister’s 2 sons. She tells the 2 children about her failed life.
(©2013 Sony Pictures classics / Director: Woody Allen)
THERAPIST: Thank you, host, for the screening and especially thank you to Woody Allen for this beautiful scene.
YODA: Woody Allen, the Jedi of filmmakers!
HOST: Woody Allen once said he didn’t want to make a TV series, but if you look at his body of work, his life’s work is, in a sense, a series.
THERAPEUT: (nods) And that has a lot to do with our topic today!
HOST: Back to the film scene, please.
THERAPEUT: Jasmin is sitting in a restaurant with her sister’s two children. As an aunt, she is a mother figure. She tells the two boys the tragic story of her failed marriage and the downfall of her life. She is at the end of her rope, clinging to a new love that she hopes will save her. At first glance, the subject of the conversation and the way she presents herself to the two children is self-centred: she talks only about herself, and the content is inappropriate for the children. There is no dialogue, she presents herself without reference to the children.
HOST: A one-way street!
THERAPEUT: Yes, that’s a nice picture. But if you look at it more closely, it’s even worse. What she is doing is narcissistic abuse: she is flooding the children with her suffering and her justifications. She abuses them as witnesses to her failed life, her unhappy fate. The children become apathetic and indifferent. The youngest turns to his brother for help. The context frightens them, they have to protect themselves, the context overwhelms them.
YODA: What is only for the ears of the adults, she is forcing it on the children.
RAMANA: She speaks to someone that is not there. A child does not have this part in its self.
THERAPEUT: This context is too much for children.
YODA: Indigestible context.
RAMANA: No room for the child’s authentic self.
THERAPEUT: This is the abuse: the children are being used for something. They are made into something they are not, cannot be, must not be! The parent becomes the child and the child is forced into the role of the adult. Psychology calls this «parentification».
YODA: A virtual context is created in which there is no place for the young soul.
THERAPEUT: Jasmine has a fragmented self: The pieces of the puzzle are falling apart and the picture is falling apart. So she can’t be a reliable mirror for the children.
RAMANA: Self-knowledge is not possible when the pieces of the self are falling apart.
(Pause and silence)
HOST: I’d like you to explain the connection between these two very different film clips.
THERAPEUT: In «Still Face» the mother is an inverted mirror, a blind mirror: the child loses the opportunity to experience itself, it is left alone and becomes afraid. In «Blue Jasmine», an inappropriate mirror is held up to the child. In this relationship the children cannot experience themselves as their own person, they become the object of the caregiver. They are left speechless and disorientated.
YODA: No context or inappropriate context, both lead to a false sense of self.
THERAPEUT: One more thing about the difference between the two film clips: In the first one we see a child who is scared and restless. Fear is translated into movement and screaming. Fear becomes action! The child becomes hyperactive, it is on alert. In the second clip, the children become increasingly apathetic. Their attention is paralysed.
HOAT: I am beginning to understand. We’ve seen that the children react differently to what’s happening. The mother’s (or mother figure’s) relational behaviour changes and the children’s behaviour changes in response. This means that there is a change in both the dynamics and the nature of the relationship between the mother and the child.
(loud) It’s all about the quality of the relationship !
YODA, THERAPIST, RAMANA: (in chorus) How right our host is.
THERAPEUT: (after a short pause) I continue. Attention can be disturbed in different directions, it can be decreased or increased. The continuum goes from frozen to hyperactive, from lack of attention to hypervigilance.
YODA: (vigorously) I call this mindfulness …. and accordingly mindfulness disorder! Too much or too little: it’s always about the mindfulness of the «I» in relation to the current context.
THERAPEUT: Attention – mindfulness, either way: it’s about the quality of the relationship. In what is known as attention deficit, attention is not reduced, but unstable and overactive, constantly shifting focus. The child cannot establish a stable relationship with objects. Attention is driven by a desperate search for bonding opportunities in the context.
Hyperactivity and hyperactive attention are symptoms and expressions of a specific relational dynamic. It is a disorder of relationship quality.
Attention deficit disorder is the manifestation of poor relationship quality.
YODA: The restlessness is a constant search for the lost context.
THERAPEUT: A child’s self-image and selfesteem are characterised by the quality of the relationship with the context. This happens over the course of time.
HOST: Let me summarise: The “I» and the context are related to each other and quality develops over time.
(Pause)
THERAPEUT: I use Ed Tronick’s image again: «The good, the bad and the ugly». If the quality of the relationship is normally good, all is well. If the quality of the relationship is currently bad, there is a bad mood, but this can change for the better. If the quality of the relationship is chronically disturbed, the result is a permanently bad self-perception. This no longer returns to the good by itself and a false self-image and self-esteem develop. These are characterised by the dysfunction and do not correspond to reality.
HOST: So the analytical term «false self» fits?
THERAPEUT: Yes, that’s it. This false self has a hard time existing in reality, so reality has to be constantly changed by interpretation. The perception of reality is adjusted..
YODA: Awareness of reality is reduced.
THERAPEUT: (points out) That’s what you call an egoist! (then speaks slowly) Objects are manipulated until they fit the ego. The artificial ego interacts with the context. This is neurosis in the true sense of the word: perception and behaviour are influenced by unconscious motives. Neurosis tries to manipulate the context to fit the fantasised ego image.
YODA: In meditation we try to recognise the personal interpretations in order to get closer to the true self.
RAMANA: I can’t repeat enough what the important question is: Which part of me is active?
(Pause)
HOST: Let me go back on track !
Reality TV and casting shows are becoming increasingly popular, where the real person mixes with the staged character being portrayed.
THERAPEUT: That’s a very good and interesting example! The participants appear with their persona and then come under pressure as the plot unfolds. Suddenly the staging of the persona collapses and the true self emerges. Persona and I mix. It is not entirely clear whether the collapse is an act (part of the persona) or the true, undisguised self. This makes it exciting and gives the viewer the opportunity to identify with the different ego states. This triggers positive and negative feelings in the viewer, and you often get stuck in mixed feelings and have to find your way out. The viewer becomes part of the experience.
You go there to show how you want to be, but the mirror shows you how you are.
Commentary by Judi James on the reality TV programme «Big Brother“.
THERAPEUT: This quote sums it up! You want to show your ego (your persona) to the context and the context reflects your true self. The ego interacts with the context according to the constructed ideal. The more reality differs, the more difficult the relationship becomes. This challenges the ego and, depending on the situation, the reflection of reality leads to insecurity or the reflection is experienced as an insult. This can trigger strong emotions, which are then shown or even emphasised. Reality TV and casting shows are a mixture of accidental reality and staging, which is what makes them so attractive and exciting.
(Pause)
HOST: Back to mindfulness and the passage of time.
YODA: The false self has a distorted perception of reality and a twisted relationship to context.
The here-and-now becomes blurry.
THERAPEUT: «Life course» has a second meaning: if a child has a poor relationship with its context, this will affect its life course.
HOST: (thoughtfully) …. Life Course …. Curriculum ….
NEUROPSYCHOLOGY: …. life course and all areas of life. The quality of our relationships manifests itself in our thoughts, feelings and actions. It also has an impact on the ability to pay attention and learn, and therefore on one’s career (curriculum). It also changes social and emotional skills.
THERAPEUT: (nods) The ego has a disturbed relationship with internal and external objects. Problems with other people, with oneself and with things to be done.
HOST: It’s impressive how early experiences and events shape us for life! I want to come back to the term «self-esteem», how can we explain this?
THERAPEUT: As we have seen, selfesteem results from the sum of self-experiences over time. Depending on this, an authentic selfesteem or a cult of a false self develops over time.
HOST: What do you mean by the cult around a false self?
THERAPIST: The dance around the golden calf! The result of a disturbed relationship between the ego and the context. This relationship is misperceived and interpreted according to a narrative, a realistic self-evaluation is not possible. In the extreme variants, this means:
The ego is idealised and experienced as superior …. the context and others are experienced as inferior and despised.
The ego is experienced as worthless and guilty …. the context and the others are idealised and experienced as superior.
YODA: Both feel lonely: the superior and the inferior.
HOST: (shakes his head) Therapist, you’ve got the extreme examples!
THERAPEUT: I admit, these are the extreme examples of narcissistic regulation disorder.
(looks around)
We are all on this continuum, the extremes help us to understand ourselves better (after a pause) and to place ourselves on this spectrum.
YODA: (points a finger at guests) …. it can be like this …. or like this …. or like this …. or like this ….
HOST: I see, everything is in constant interaction! The «I», the context, the awareness of the relationship: we can’t look at them separately. Our salon, our speakers, our guests, our topics: everything together creates a context in which we all experience ourselves. (slowly and thoughtfully) Discussion is self-effective. Arguing is self-effective. Loving is self-effective. (in a loud voice) As long as I experience it with awareness !
Awareness as a process over time …. That is consciousness.
YODA, THERAPIST, RAMANA: (in chorus) You may say that out loud!
GUEST: Let me ask you a question: You always talk about being aware of the context, how do you do that?
THERAPEUT: (looking at the questioner) Dear guest, you have already done that! Firstly, to ask a question is to have a relationship with the context. Secondly, your motivation for asking the question defines the quality of your relationship to the context.
YODA: (energetically) It is the constant practice ….
RAMANA: (smiling) …. again and again the question: Which part of me?
THERAPEUT: You ask a question and you give meaning, value to the context. You expect an answer, a reaction, and you experience meaning and value. YOU perceive and YOU are perceived.
YODA: Zen Buddhism says: «Everything is connected, just as it is». This is one of the core statements of Buddhism.
Uniqueness and connectedness – at the same time !
THERAPEUT: Science says: «The whole is greater than the sum of its parts». This statement means that the whole is made up of the parts plus the interaction between the parts. The better the relationship between the parts works, the better the whole works.
(Yoda and the THERAPEUT look at the HOST:)
HOST: (laughing) I see the look on your faces and I have heard the cue. We have a very appropriate commentary by Gerhard Hüther. I show a clip from the documentary «Alphabet». Hüther explains how the parts of the brain work together and develop. He draws an analogy with the development from a unicellular organism to a multicellular organism.
Film clip: Gerhard Hüther explains how the parts of the brain work together and develop.
Scene from the film “Alphabet».
(© 2013 Prisma Film)
Excerpt:
The text describes the transition from unicellular to multicellular organisms as a major breakthrough in evolution. This transition was achieved not by competition but by cooperation: some single-celled organisms stayed together and formed larger organisms. The brain works in a similar way, growing and becoming more complex through the co-operation of its parts, without becoming physically larger. The text suggests that this principle of increased cooperation rather than growth could be applied to the economy, opening up a new dimension of growth.
HOST: (looks round) Who can explain the connection?
NEUROPSYCHOLOGIST: Hüther tells us that the cells in the brain work together, which is the only way the brain can achieve this enormous feat. The cells are connected to each other. The co-operation of the cells generates brain activity, be it thinking, feeling or controlling a movement.
THERAPEUT: Here, too, we see parts that are related to each other, i.e. that have a relational quality.
NEUROPSYCHOLOGIST: Yes, exactly. The brain is a constantly changing context. The quality of the relationship between the parts influences the function of the whole.
HOST: It’s slowly dawning on me. I can see the analogy:
We’ve been talking about the ‘I’ in relation to the context. The network of relationships between people creates a context. The quality of relationships between people influences mood.
Now we are talking about the relationship between the brain cells. The quality of the networking between the cells influences the performance of the whole brain.
THERAPEUT: In both cases, the quality of the relationship between one person and another is crucial, and it’s a reciprocal effect. Quality develops over time, so it is an event. It takes time.
The same applies to self-esteem: the quality of relationships determines self-esteem, and this needs time.
HOST: …. The quote from Robert M. Pirsig comes to mind:
» …. Quality is not a thing. It is an event …. “
“ …. The objects create the subject’s awareness of himself …. “Robert M. Pirsig: «Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance“.
HOST: (squinting at therapist) You can read more about this in the interview with the author of this blog: Marc Melchert in an interview.
YODA: Everything is connected, we have to learn to recognise the connections. The connections are the centre.
HOST: We want to make you think, but enough is enough. (looks round) Please, someone close the loop and come back to our original topic. I would also like to better understand what the children have to do with this.
THERAPEUT: In the beginning, the children are one with the context. In the course of development, there is a separation in consciousness. This separation enables the child to enter into a relationship with the context:
There is an ‘I’ and a context! How the child experiences and shapes this relationship with the context depends on their primary experiences and learning steps. The people in the context shape the quality of the child’s relationship and thus, over time, the child’s self-esteem.
HOST: (interrupts) A short, clear prescription, please!
THERAPIST: (pause, thoughtful, then loud and firm) It needs shared attention! Shared attention focussed on the same object over time. The best example: looking at a book together, reading it aloud and talking about it, doing handicrafts together, cooking, tidying up. These are events that are experienced together and at the same time: «shared attention». This gives the child more than just ‘snapshots’. It needs more than selfies, it needs self-awareness! The child needs a good quality relationship and enough time. This is the only way they can develop a stable sense of self-esteem. Selfesteem is the value we can give ourselves, and that needs to be learnt!
HOST: That was a strong plea! Finally, I have a nice metaphorical image for today’s topic:
The context is a table:
We sit at this table and everyone places the food they have brought with them on it. What we put on the table and what we take from it nourishes our own soul and shapes the mood at the table. Everyone puts together their own menu.
In this picture, quality is the ability to put together a wholesome menu at this laid table for yourself and with respect for others. The responsibility lies with me, not with the table, not with the others.
Every meal is an event. Whether we are full and satisfied depends on how we put the food together and how we organise our contact with others.
(Ann Suter)
(long silence)
HOST: To get back down to earth, I’ll end by showing you the wonderful song by Natasha Bedingfield ‘Soulmate’.
Movie clip fom Radiostation «Antenne Bayern»
Natasha Bedingfield, Soulmate, unplugged, 30.5.2011.
(Standard-YouTube-Lizenz – auf YouTube gestellt von Antenne Bayern)